Some Auto Related Tool Humor
- Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are
trying to hit.
- MECHANIC'S KNIFE
- Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats,
convertible tops and club jackets
- ELECTRIC HAND DRILL
- Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die
of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders
just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
- Used to round off bolt heads.
- One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
- Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
- OXY-ACETYLENE TORCH
- Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying
to get the bearing race out of.
- WHITWORTH SOCKETS
- Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 socket you've been searching for the
last 15 minutes.
- DRILL PRESS
- A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were
- WIRE WHEEL
- Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and
hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, �Son of
- HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
- Used for lowering a vehicle to the ground after you have installed your
new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front
- EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4
- Used for levering a vehicle upward off a hydraulic jack.
- A tool for removing wood splinters.
- Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor
- SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER
- Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used
mainly for getting dog doo off your boot.
- E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR
- A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known
- TIMING LIGHT
- A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
- TWO TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST
- A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake
lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
- CRAFTSMAN 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER
- A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
- BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER
- A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the
inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a
doornail, just as you thought.
- AVIATION METAL SNIPS
- See hacksaw.
- TROUBLE LIGHT
- The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a
good source of vitamin jd, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise
found under vehicles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to
consume 40 watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105 mm howitzer shells
might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.
More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
- PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
- Normally used to stab the lids of old style paper and tin oil cans and
splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off
Phillips screw heads.
- AIR COMPRESSOR
- A machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200
miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a
Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years
ago by someone in Detroit, and rounds them off.
- PRY BAR
- A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
- HOSE CUTTER
- A tool used to cut hoses 1 inch too short.