Oil Changing Instructions For The Genders

GUYS Instructions

  1. Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, oil dry (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
  2. Pay $65.00 for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy (at least that's what the salesman said).
  3. Open a beer and drink it.
  4. Jack the car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
  5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
  6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
  7. Place drain pan under the engine.
  8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
  9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
  10. Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise grips.
  11. Unscrew drain plug.
  12. Hot oil runs down your arm and into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree burns; more beer to kill pain)
  13. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; you get more hot oil on you in process.
  14. Clean up.
  15. Have another beer while oil is draining.
  16. Look for the oil filter wrench.
  17. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it off.
  18. Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on portion) attached to engine (()*^&#&%%)! Should have put a little clean oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.
  19. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
  20. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of the oil on the ground)
  21. Throw oil dry (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 20
  22. Set aside half-full oil pan.
  23. Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled off by now).
  24. Wife threatens divorce.
  25. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
  26. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
  27. Just how do you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?
  28. Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)
  29. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first (see step 19).
  30. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).
  31. Remember drain plug from step 13.
  32. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
  33. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.
  34. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
  35. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
  36. Grit from underneath of car falls in your eyes.
  37. Wipe your eyes with oil drenched hands.
  38. Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)
  39. Throw the wrench.
  40. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because the wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
  41. Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
  42. Beer
  43. more Beer.
  44. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
  45. Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will burn off.
  46. Beer
  47. Lower car from jack stands
  48. Move the car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil spilled during step 32.
  49. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
  50. Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.
  51. Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 46
  52. Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step 35)?.
  53. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to the store to recycle, dump in hole in the back yard.

GALS Instructions

  1. Pull up to the oil change station when its time for the next oil change.
  2. Drink a cup of coffee.
  3. 15 minutes later you pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.