Oil Changing Instructions For The Genders
- Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, oil
dry (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
- Pay $65.00 for nothing but the best synthetic money can buy (at least
that's what the salesman said).
- Open a beer and drink it.
- Jack the car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
- Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
- In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
- Place drain pan under the engine.
- Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
- Give up and use crescent wrench.
- Head of drain plug was really metric and is rounded off anyway; use vise
- Unscrew drain plug.
- Hot oil runs down your arm and into sleeve of coveralls (only 2nd degree
burns; more beer to kill pain)
- Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; you get more hot oil on you in process.
- Clean up.
- Have another beer while oil is draining.
- Look for the oil filter wrench.
- Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and attempt to twist it
- Screwdriver tears the filter casing leaving the bottom of filter (screw on
portion) attached to engine (()*^&#&%%)! Should have put a little
clean oil on gasket the last time you changed the oil.
- Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
- Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. (Slosh half of
the oil on the ground)
- Throw oil dry (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 20
- Set aside half-full oil pan.
- Child playing in yard falls into half-full oil pan (at least its cooled
off by now).
- Wife threatens divorce.
- Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
- Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
- Just how do you get the old oil filter remains off... Ahhhhh, beer?
- Pipe wrench! (plumbers eat your hearts out)
- Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first (see step 19).
- Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. (or was that the radiator?).
- Remember drain plug from step 13.
- Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
- Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
- Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
- Bang head on floor board in reaction.
- Grit from underneath of car falls in your eyes.
- Wipe your eyes with oil drenched hands.
- Begin cussing fit. (23 minutes)
- Throw the wrench.
- Cuss for additional 10 minutes because the wrench hit Miss December (1992)
in the left boob.
- Clean up and apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
- more Beer.
- Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
- Don't worry about the oil spilled on the valve cover and manifold, it will
- Lower car from jack stands
- Move the car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 32.
- Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
- Watch out for the.......Well it was time for a new tool box.
- Drive car... What is that smell...oh yeah, step 46
- Did I remember to tighten that drain plug after banging knuckles (step
- Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
the store to recycle, dump in hole in the back yard.
- Pull up to the oil change station when its time for the next oil change.
- Drink a cup of coffee.
- 15 minutes later you pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.