Amended City Driving Rules
I have compiled a new list of city driving rules that have been substantiated
by daily observations around my city.
Here are the new revisions:
- A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people
can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane
waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the
orange construction barrels.
- Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and
the car in front of you or the space will be filled in by somebody else,
putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
- Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane change is considered "going
with the flow".
- The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have
of getting hit.
- Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork when
driving in a no-fault insurance state. The other guy doesn't have anything to
- Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS
kicks in - giving you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal
pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
- Construction signs only tell you about road closures immediately after you
pass the last availabe exit, but before the traffic begins to back up.
- The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide
useful information. They're only there to make your city look high-tech and to
distract your attention from the police car parked in the median.
- Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to
scare people entering the highway.
- Using an on/off ramp to pass is perfectly acceptable when when freeway
traffic drops below 10 m.p.h.
- Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and
apparently not enforceable in most metro areas.
- Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move
over, doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't
think he can go faster if he was in your spot.
- Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour
- Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone
changing a tire.
- Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps existing
litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-highway crews something to clean
- Everybody thinks his or her vehicle is better than yours, especially
pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge, or Chevy
- Learn to swerve abruptly. Cities are a great place to learn high-speed
slalom driving thanks to state DOT's (Dept. of Transportation), which put
potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their
- It is traditional for city drivers to honk their horns at cars that don't
move the instant the light changes.
- Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
- Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left and
right and left again before proceeding, unless you have side impact airbags
and good insurance.
- Heavy snows, ice, fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the
previously listed rules. These weather conditions are mother nature's way of
ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junk yards and new
vehicle sales. After all, we do have our priorities.
- Remember that the goal of every city driver is to get there first, by
whatever means necessary.
- Real female city drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at
seventy-five miles per hour or in bumper-to-bumper traffic.
- Pedestrians caught in the cross-walk when the light changes are fair game.
Besides, if you don't make eye contact with them, they aren't really there.
- It is perfectly alright to come to complete stop in the middle of a city
street to check an address, especially during rush-hour.
- Being elderly and legally blind is no reason to stop driving.